the perfect man

we all know he doesn't exist right? well, sometimes i slip up and forget.

i have subscribed to two dating sites recently because i was looking for some new fodder for my blog. on okcupid i stumbled across this guy who was, omigosh, wow. he had all the right stuff. intellectual, funny, cool, down-to-earth and hot. really hot. i mean, hello? he likes blazing saddles and simon & garfunkel?! me too, me too! and for god's sake, he's an effing PhD!

so i message him.

granted, i didn't feel super great about it because he seemed so perfect, what would he want with me? besides, i am working on me right now. i have no time for these shenanigans. i message him anyway*. of course, i get no reply (self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?). then i happen to read one of his blog entries (actually, his only blog entry) and it proceeds as follows:

"...I'll casually ignore messages when I'm not attracted to the sender."

so then of course i said to myself "obviously he wasn't attracted to you, self. you suck big time," and then i start to feel bad for not being mega-attractive with the tanned, skinny body, big tits and the blond hair. ho-hum, woe is me.

but you'll never believe what happened next, dear readers! immediately after this thought, another, more powerful voice spoke up and said, "wait a second. if this guy does not like me back, then obviously he is in fact not perfect! because, damn. i rock!"

you guys have no idea how great it made me feel that i could tell myself that without anyone else having to convince me.

i'm growing up and dang but it feels awesome.

*a friend talked me into it and even told me what to write. what can i say?

letter to cable company

dear cox communications,

get bent.



love,
me

myspacey

so, i have the myspacey photo (see screenright) and magdalene* kept hassling me, so i decided to set up a myspace page.

i hate myspace.

it's just so... so... meh! with the blah and the ugh. i just don't like it. i have a secret account that my family communicates through** and magdalene found me there and insisted that i make a public account that she could be a part of. i decided to sacrifice for my good friend so she could play on it and feel like she was a part of something bigger and better. aren't you sorry you made me do it now, magdalene?
so, anyway, i have to say that i hate it just a little less today for two reasons:

1. i've found like a zillion of my old high school friends on it, so that's pretty cool and
2. i got this lovely message in my inbox this morning:

"i dont know you, but i saw your page on here ms issues. u are very beautiful! do u like the cardinals?
my mom hates me becuz i like white ladies. i dont care becuz u are probly a lot stronger than her. if u fart by her she might hit u becuz she doesnt think white women hit back. i hope u would do it anyway if u want to. if my mom punched u, would u throw her down and do it again?

~shawn"

bestill my beating heart. i believe that bobby petronik has been replaced.

*(i said "CONT" to grimey, btw)
**hi sis's and mom!

open letter to neighbors

dear neighbors in unit #2,

hi there, we've never met. i'm your frustrated next door neighbor. how's it going? yeah, not so good over here.

here's my issue: i pay for two parking spots; one covered and one not. i, of course, use the covered spot and the other spot is not used regularly by me. this does not mean you can tell your friends it's ok to park there since the poor single mom next door doesn't use that spot herself and no one ever comes to visit her. i don't need you to remind me that i have no friends.

thanks!

#3

picture of the day

this picture just makes me smile. i can't know why. but i wanted to share it with you all, nonetheless.