the perfect man

we all know he doesn't exist right? well, sometimes i slip up and forget.

i have subscribed to two dating sites recently because i was looking for some new fodder for my blog. on okcupid i stumbled across this guy who was, omigosh, wow. he had all the right stuff. intellectual, funny, cool, down-to-earth and hot. really hot. i mean, hello? he likes blazing saddles and simon & garfunkel?! me too, me too! and for god's sake, he's an effing PhD!

so i message him.

granted, i didn't feel super great about it because he seemed so perfect, what would he want with me? besides, i am working on me right now. i have no time for these shenanigans. i message him anyway*. of course, i get no reply (self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?). then i happen to read one of his blog entries (actually, his only blog entry) and it proceeds as follows:

"...I'll casually ignore messages when I'm not attracted to the sender."

so then of course i said to myself "obviously he wasn't attracted to you, self. you suck big time," and then i start to feel bad for not being mega-attractive with the tanned, skinny body, big tits and the blond hair. ho-hum, woe is me.

but you'll never believe what happened next, dear readers! immediately after this thought, another, more powerful voice spoke up and said, "wait a second. if this guy does not like me back, then obviously he is in fact not perfect! because, damn. i rock!"

you guys have no idea how great it made me feel that i could tell myself that without anyone else having to convince me.

i'm growing up and dang but it feels awesome.

*a friend talked me into it and even told me what to write. what can i say?

letter to cable company

dear cox communications,

get bent.



love,
me

myspacey

so, i have the myspacey photo (see screenright) and magdalene* kept hassling me, so i decided to set up a myspace page.

i hate myspace.

it's just so... so... meh! with the blah and the ugh. i just don't like it. i have a secret account that my family communicates through** and magdalene found me there and insisted that i make a public account that she could be a part of. i decided to sacrifice for my good friend so she could play on it and feel like she was a part of something bigger and better. aren't you sorry you made me do it now, magdalene?
so, anyway, i have to say that i hate it just a little less today for two reasons:

1. i've found like a zillion of my old high school friends on it, so that's pretty cool and
2. i got this lovely message in my inbox this morning:

"i dont know you, but i saw your page on here ms issues. u are very beautiful! do u like the cardinals?
my mom hates me becuz i like white ladies. i dont care becuz u are probly a lot stronger than her. if u fart by her she might hit u becuz she doesnt think white women hit back. i hope u would do it anyway if u want to. if my mom punched u, would u throw her down and do it again?

~shawn"

bestill my beating heart. i believe that bobby petronik has been replaced.

*(i said "CONT" to grimey, btw)
**hi sis's and mom!

open letter to neighbors

dear neighbors in unit #2,

hi there, we've never met. i'm your frustrated next door neighbor. how's it going? yeah, not so good over here.

here's my issue: i pay for two parking spots; one covered and one not. i, of course, use the covered spot and the other spot is not used regularly by me. this does not mean you can tell your friends it's ok to park there since the poor single mom next door doesn't use that spot herself and no one ever comes to visit her. i don't need you to remind me that i have no friends.

thanks!

#3

picture of the day

this picture just makes me smile. i can't know why. but i wanted to share it with you all, nonetheless.

now accepting donations for psychotherapy

we've already established that as part of Y-ME, i have decided to start eating more healthy foods, right? ok then, moving on. unfortunately, i am not the only eater in my house. my children have not taken so well to there being no mac and cheese, white bread, real sugar or candy in the house. pete, who was always my good eater, refuses to eat about 75% of what i put in front of him. that is so frustrating for mothers, as other mothers who may be reading this can attest to. frustrating to the point that you want to do something... anything to make the children eat this food.


case in point - this weekend pete wanted a tuna fish sandwich. i took this as an opportunity to make a delicious salmon burger made with pimentos and lemon and dill and topped with lettuce and tomatoes and sounds super tasty, am i right? wrong-o. pete would not eat the sandwich, no matter what i said:

"you can have a treat when you're done if you just eat half of it"
and "be mommy's good boy and eat"

which didn't work and led to "youwillnevereatagainaslongasyouliveunderthisroofif
youdonoteatthatsandwich!"

ending with the inevitable "STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA WOULD LOVE TO EAT THAT SANDWICH!!!"

allow me to segue. lucky for everyone i have the internet. the internet is such a powerful tool for communicating, researching, discovering new and interesting things and the lesser known but nonetheless powerful tool of scaring the living bejeebus out of your children with pictures of starving children in africa.

you can probably guess that i didn't end up making him eat his salmon burger. i was too busy consoling him from the trauma i inflicted when i showed him this picture:

and this picture:

so, you are welcome to make those donations which will go toward the future psychotherapy my poor dear children will quite obviously need. a lot of.

did i mention that the girl saw the same pictures, looked at me, shrugged, and walked away? yeah.

my next boyfriend. if i'm lucky.

designing women

i am continually amazed at what we, as human beings, will do in our cars, presuming that no one else can see us. it's like we step into our cars and it's just a natural extension of our private homes so we just assume that jane doe sitting in the lane next to us cannot see a thing we do inside our impenetrable fortress. and why would we think such a supercilious thing? do we not notice that our cars have, i don't know, glass windows?
case in point (you knew it was coming) - driving home on friday afternoon, i was stopped at a red light when i happened to look up in my rear view mirror. the car behind me was one of those fancy lexus suv's. but that's not what i noticed first. i first noticed the woman behind the wheel. she happened to be glancing in her rear view mirror as well. then i noticed she wasn't so much glancing as she was looking intently. then i noticed she had something in her hand. she put it up to her face, just under her nose and started moving it in swift, upward motions. it was a razor. she was shaving.

a woman.

was shaving.

in the privacy of her impenetrable fortress (aka, car).

now, i am not one to judge, because i've been known to pull the same sort of tricks in my car*, but i obviously started to giggle. because damn! then i started to think of charlene on designing women**. right, so, there was an episode where she talked about seeing a man picking his nose in his car and how disgusted she was and did he think she couldn't see him? and then i started looking into it and i realized it was actually suzanne who said it:

"Suzanne: ...I mean, if we're trying to outlaw unattractive habits, why don't we outlaw nose-pickin' in your car at 60 miles an hour?"

but isn't that something charlene would totally have said? i know, weird, huh? i guess when you think of it, it's something suzanne would have said too.

geez, i miss that show.

i'm sorry. what were we talking about again?


*i have a tweezer i keep for those pesky stray chin hairs that don't show up till they see daylight. shut up, you have them too.
**i loved that show, didn't you? i still watch reruns on lifetime.

the stall conversation

i think it's pretty safe to say that everyone has been faced with this awkward situation. you run into an acquaintance/coworker on your way into using the restroom and this person starts a conversation, one you are sure will not finish up before you get into the stall. to me there is nothing more embarrassing than, 1) knowing someone is peeing not 3 feet from where you're peeing, b) they don't mind talking to you while you're peeing and third) they don't mind listening to you pee while you talk!

ew.

this happened to me the other day. i ran into a coworker on the way into the restroom and she started a conversation about god knows what. i've blocked most of the memory from my mind. i'm sitting there, getting my number 1 on, and she continues this conversation. i can't not answer her questions. she knows i'm there, for god's sake, she can hear me peeing!

ever since i was in elementary school, i can remember having a phobia about public bathrooms; not their cleanliness, but the fact that other people were in there peeing and they knew you were in there peeing too. i remember very clearly sitting there, knowing a bunch of other 9 year old girls were sitting there on their respective toilets and not hearing a single. splash. not a drip, splatter, trickle, or dribble. not a thing. i was so self-conscious that i was the only one who made a sound that i would do the "pee-pause". i'd let go for a second then pause, pee and pause, trying to aim for random noises that might mask the sound of my urination. for the longest time that was completely normal for me and i did it without thinking. hell, i still do it. in the privacy of my own home. of course, i have no problem with using the potty in front of anyone close to me, but coworkers and strangers? fuggitaboudit.

so unless you are a best friend, sister, child, or significant other, and you see someone on the way to the water closet, keep the conversation short! and, please, for the love of all things good and holy, SHUT UP WHEN YOU GET TO THE STALL!

Y-ME

as i've said, i'm trying to eat right as part of my Year of ME, aka, Y-ME. of course, there is a story here. almost 6 years ago (right after pete was born) i went to one of those women's conferences where they had a bunch of motivational speakers (i know, gag. i was in a phase!) and one of them was a registered dietitian name Zonya Foco and i thought she was so super motivational that i bought the stuff she was peddling.* anyway, i ended up with her cookbook... and dry erase grocery list... oh and dry erase menu planner (dry erase marker thrown in at no extra charge). i came home all psyched up that we were going to eat right, DAMMIT! and WE DID. for about 5 minutes. typical "diet" story, you know how it goes, so i won't rehash. i could (and probably should) totally blame the failure of that diet on my ex, but i won't.**
when i decided 2007 is Y-ME, i had no better place to turn to then my already purchased eat-right-cookbook, which was conveniently gathering dust with my "The Firm" workout tapes and "Fanny Lifter". since then, i have purged all fattening, triglyceride infested, carbohydrate ridden, non-whole-grain foodstuffs from my home. and you know what? it's not so bad!*** actually, i'm pretty sure that i'm only going to lose weight because i don't want to eat a damn thing in my house. whatever works, that's my motto.
this cookbook isn't too bad, it's got tons of ideas for eating healthy with little time to cook in. the downside of it is that Zonya loves the beans. beans in every freaking recipe. i like beans, they're tasty and all, but damn. i'm stinking things up like none other. hey! maybe that's how i'll lose weight. one methane expulsion at a time.
i'll keep you updated when the diet starts working. right now i've convinced myself that my body is just clinging onto all this extra weight and when my body loses and the diet wins the battle, i'll lose like 20 pounds over night. it could happen. don't judge me.

*see, she did this whole thing with scraping lard onto someone's hand showing the amount of fat you eat in regular potato chips and it was truly sick. it got me super motivated. i can't explain it, you had to be there.
**ok, maybe the lard thing wasn't that sick. potato chips are tasty!
***i'm totally lying. god, i miss those lardy potato chips!

Beyonce - Irreplaceable

Beyonce - Irreplaceable

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i know it's super cheesy, but this is my anthem for the year. i don't normally like her, but that beyonce can sure sing a liberated woman's song!

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remember when...

... i used to have fun and witty things to say?

yeah, good times.


this year i am taking care of ME. i quit smoking and i'm eating right and i'm getting rid of the things in my life that are bad for me. you know that almost always involves a man, right? i want to get back to that place when i felt witty and fun and like a good mom and a good person. IT WILL HAPPEN. i will be a grown up this year and take care of business.

either that or i'll watch plenty of tv and sit on my butt. whichever.