i have a dirty little secret

first, make sure no one's around... anybody looking over your shoulder? ok, good. now i'm trusting you with this secret. make sure you don't tell anyone. promise. ok, ready?


i like to read romance novels.

there i've said it. they say the first step is admitting you have a problem.
yeah, i know that's silly! that's why i said you can't tell anybody!
it's all chichi nini's fault. she bought me one a couple of years ago for christmas and since then i've been hooked. she tries to tell me that what she likes so much about them is the love story. yeah right. that's akin to guys saying they only read playboy for the articles. while the love stories are great, the sex scenes are hot. there are differences in sex scenes though, and there is such a thing as a bad sex scene. and if the story surrounding the sex isn't good, the sex won't be good either. and while most men's philosophy about women is "once you've seen one woman naked... you wanna see the rest of them" (hence reading playboy for the articles), this philosophy does not apply to romance novels for women. i take that back. it does apply to some women. but not me. i need me some good, well written romance.
i've been thinking i could totally write one of these books. i'm a girl, i know what i like and it can't be that far off from what other women like. but what i need to start with is a good title. like one of these.

if you have any ideas, feel free to let me know. when my book is on the best seller list, i'll be sure to give you credit.

*sigh*

read no further if you have not yet seen American Idol tonight and do not wish to know the results.


ALL THOSE COUNTRY HICKS OUT THERE WHO VOTED FOR STUPID CARRIE UNDERWOOD CAN GO TO HELL!

i'm better now, thank you.

my one consolation is that my Bo will still make music and i will still buy it. -er- download it illegally from the internet. whatever.

in other less important news - i got a job today! yahoo for me! i'm so excited to have adult contact and intellectual stimulation. not that you all aren't stimulating...

anyway, don't ask me what my job is because if i told you, i'd have to kill myself.

so, what's it to ya?

i LOVE American Idol. yeah, yeah, i know. it's the best show ever. (that is what you were thinking, wasn't it?) and do you know why i love AI? two small words for you - BO BICE! i want to marry him and have 10,000 of his babies. he's so danged cute i could just pinch his cheeks! -on his face- get yer minds out of the gutter, people!

i mean, we just have so many things in common:

he's on American Idol... i watch American Idol...

he has long brown hair... i have long brown hair...

he likes music... i like music...

he likes to sing... i like to listen to him sing...

the list could go on and on, but i'm sure you get my point. the moral of this story is that i will be spending the rest of my night dialing 1-866-IDOLS-01, 03, or 05. you should to. do it. now!

just wondering...

does this blog make me look fat?

you have no soul if...

you don't absolutely love the following prose:

She Walks In Beauty
She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that's best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes:

Thus mellow'd to that tender light

Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade more, one ray less,

Had half impair'd the nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress,

Or softly lightens o'er her face;

Where thoughts serenely sweet express

How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow

So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

The smiles that win, the tints that glow,

But tell of days in goodness spent,

A mind at peace with all below,

A heart whose love is innocent!

Lord Byron (1788-1824)

i stumbled on this poem tonight while surfing the net and i was reminded how much i always loved it.

also:

Separate Lives

You called me from the room in your hotel

all full of romance for someone that you met

and telling me how sorry you were

leaving so soon, and that you miss me sometimes

when you're alone in your room

Do I feel lonely to?

You have no right to ask me how I feel

You have no right to speak to me so kind

I can't go on, just holding on to times

now that we're living separate lives

Well I have learned, to let you go

and if you've lost your love for me

will you never let it show, oh no

there was no way to compromise

so now we're living separate lives

Ooh, so typical, love leads to isolation

so you build that wall,

yes you build that wall

and you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel

You have no right to speak to me so kind

Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes

But for now we'll go on living separate lives

Yes for now we'll go on living separate lives

-Phil Collins

ok, so it's not exactly classical and a far cry from Byron, but it is lyrical. i love that song. whenever i hear it i have to stop what i'm doing and sing along. oops. hang on a minute... ... ... *sigh* i love that song. i also love:

Faithfully

Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go 'round and 'round
You're on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sendin' all my love
Along the wire
They say that the road ain't no place to start a family
Right down the line it's been you and me
And lovin' a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully
Circus life
Under the big top world
We all need the clowns
To make us smile
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am
Lost without you
And being apart ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
Oh girl, you stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully
Whoa, whoa, faithfully
I'm forever yours
Ever yours
Faithfully

- Steve Perry (Journey)

it's sad how much i love soft rock music now. it's definitely a far cry from Rage Against the Machine (still can't beat "Killing in the Name of" when you're really pissed) or Nine Inch Nails ("Something I Can Never Have" is so great to listen to in the dark). do you think that when Journey first made their music, they thought it'd end up on the Adult Contemporary music stations?

i started going through my music and realized there's just no way i can hit it all here. just know that i love almost all kinds of music but my all time favorite song is:

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

Good times for a change

See, the luck I've had

Can make a good man

Turn bad

So please please please

Let me, let me, let me

Let me get what I want

This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time

See, the life I've had

Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life

Let me get what I want

Lord knows, it would be the first time

Lord knows, it would be the first time

- Steven Morrissey (The Smiths)

he's just not that into you

i read the book of that title and it was actually pretty funny. i'm not usually into so-called "self-help" books (as in, i avoid them like i avoid actual relationships) but this was fun and a tiny bit liberating. written by two of the writers on sex in the city (a show i've never watched but i hear it's about sex and a city), it takes many of the issues women pine over and the excuses men make for them and boils it down to "he's just not that into you." i recommend it to both women and men. to women because it explains some of the reasons men don't call (just not that into you) or won't commit (once again), etc., and to men so you know what you may be up against.
unfortunately, they never address what one should do when he is that into you and you really, really don't want him to be. luckily, i haven't talked to tim since i asked him to bugger off. not for his lack of trying. apparently "this isn't going to work" was heard as "i love you, too! let's be together forever!"

anywho, check the book out from your local library. it's a quick read.

the exorcist

today i'm having split pea and ham soup for lunch. whenever i eat that i obviously think of the exorcist when the little girl spews that soup and her head flips around. then i think about my friend who has a name very close to linda blair's but she's nothing like the girl in the movie (although her daughter's head has been known to spin around on occassion ;) ). then i wonder what my friend's doing right now. i assume she's reading this because she has nothing better to do at work. then i think about how much i miss work and how i left there to come here and haven't found a job yet. and then i think about how i'm just sitting here in my pj's, mooching off my parents and eating split pea and ham soup.

this is how i think. it's sad how my mind just constantly wanders. if only modern science could somehow harness the energy i expel thinking and worrying about stupid stuff (like why lindsay lohan looks like shit), there would be a renewable, ozone-depleting-chemical-free, energy source. maybe i should put my brain power to working on that little project. eh. that sounds too much like work.

the infamous "nail polish incident"

this is what i get for leaving my "ruby slippers" colored nail polish within reach of a 2 year old. if you look closely, you can see it also covering the bed in the background.
but doesn't she look purdy?


the "nail polish incident"

blog fodder part two or the king of cling

thanks to my best friend for that title. i was telling him more of the story of last night and he insisted that i add this stuff to the blog because it's too good not to share. either that or he likes to watch me make a complete fool of myself. like face licking isn't enough!

anyway, here are a few points i failed to mention in the first posting.

1. at one point, when i asked tim (that's his real name, btw) to stop lookin' at me, he actually, factually turned around and sat upside down on his couch, as in head where the feet should be. huh? don't ask me why. my little kitty brain cannot possibly comprehend the inner workings of this guy's mind.

2. he blew a raspberry on my stomach. you know the things you do to little kids to make them giggle hysterically? yeah, doesn't have the same effect on grown women. who knew?

3. ummm... how shall i put this? i couldn't feel his penis. granted, i never reached out and tried to touch it, but usually if a man is sufficiently turned on, you can tell. am i right? so either a) he was not turned on (impossibility seeing as how i'm hot) (not) (but really, if he's that into me, he's gonna get turned on when we're making out) b) he taped it to the inside of his leg to avoid any embarrassing brushes or c) it was very small or nonexistent. any of those cases will hold up in a court of law that the man is mental.

4. he spoke in this odd, modified british accent. i knew it was an accent because i've heard his normal voice. i have no idea why he did it! once again, can't comprehend, don't want to.

5. he would kiss my nose. like in the middle of kissing my mouth, he'd reach up and kiss my nose. was that supposed to be cute?

anyway, for those of you that face licking and premature confessions of love wasn't enough, here is further proof that the guy was, is and always will be, a weirdo.

blog fodder

*sigh* i was hoping against hope that the guy i went on a date with would not have to end up here with the others, but i was wrong. horribly horribly wrong. wrong, wrong, wrong.

so, he im's me from yahoo personals. he was very intelligent and sweet. i'm thinking "score! a quality individual!" so when he asked me out for the next evening, i promptly accepted. i wasn't disappointed when i saw him. he was cute BUT he was shorter than me. i'm 5'9", he said he was the same. one of us lied and it wasn't me. anyway, not a huge deal. we eat dinner and he hardly touches his. partly because it was what i ordered and decided i didn't like it when it got to the table so he switched with me (points for niceness). but the other part of it is that he would not stop gazing upon me. that's right. this wasn't a look-someone-in-the-eye-when-you're-talking-to-them. this was an outright gaze. made me hella uncomfortable. but also flattering. so i dealt with it. things progressed, i ended up taking him home (he doesn't drive, whole different blog that one) and we made out for awhile. it was ok, but that's probably because i had two tequila sunrises at dinner and i was jonesing for some make out. the bad thing was, he licked my face. you heard me, licked my face. ew. i was wearing makeup and everything! it wasn't too awfully bad, so i still kiss him. we won't even get into the fact that i flat out put his hand on my breast and he moved it. WTF! so, i leave without getting hardly any action. i'm thinking to myself "eh, we'll see where it goes."

i talked to him a couple of times over the weekend. wasn't too bad. he's a writer so he used lots of big, flowery words about how he thinks i'm amazing and wonderful. i just said "yeah, you're neato" feeling like a complete dumbass. then yesterday we're talking and... he tells me he loves me. WHAT!? yes, he's in love with me. and he knows this without even knowing my last name. holy jesus mary and joseph. so, i'm a nice girl, so i try to talk him out of it. i told him that he couldn't possibly know that, seeing as how he doesn't know me. and, at this point, i could obviously not reciprocate his feelings. he says "OK, i'll slow down" but actually doesn't. i feel, for my own piece of mind that i should see him at least one more time to see where this may or may not lead.

so, i went over to his house tonight. my dearest friends, the man is a grade-a, FREAK! he would not stop staring at me. no matter how many times i asked him to cease and desist, he continued. i think he thought i was being cute and self conscious. little did he know he was creeping me out! so, i have to kiss him to make him stop looking at me. it was worse today than the other day. he did the licking of the face again and added a tongue flicky thing to his repertoire. ew. i have never been so anxious for a movie to be over in my entire life. as soon as it ended, i tried to make my graceful, yet quick exit. oh, he was not having that. i tried to give him a peck and leave. nope. he licked my lips and shoved his tongue down my throat. i cut it off as best i could without biting his tongue (besides, he may have liked that) and barely make it out of his parking lot without busting up laughing.

now i need your help kids. how do i let him down nicely without hurting his feel-bads? but also let him know that i must never, under any circumstances, see him again? i'm usually on the receiving end, so i need some advice on this one.

and i have to say: WHY ME?!?! why do the loonies track me down? why can't i find a normal guy to spend some time with? WAH! *end self pitying rant*

i've still got it

k, so you've already heard me bitch about old guys. just know that my seductive appeal to the retired sector has not waned in the weeks since that post. in fact it's happening now more than before. maybe my friend larry has e-mailed all his buddies and told them that i'm a nice piece of cyber-ass.

well, now I'm getting solicited by much younger men. i got a wink on match.com from an 18 year old kid a few days ago and a 20 year old yesterday. they are definitely cute boys, the operative word there being "boys". what is it with me and guys my own age? am i not appealing to fellow 28 year olds? what's so wrong with dating people your own age? and i'm not really looking for someone exactly 28 years old. but anywhere from 25-34 should be acceptable, don't you think?

actually, i can't continue to complain too much because i did have a date last week with a guy my age... (the first date since my divorce, mind you) i will decide later if i want to fill you in on the details. i will just say... um... i don't know. and that's all.

i just wanted to pass along some words of dating wisdom given to me by chichi nini's husband, dirty:

you can't argue politics with a man who doesn't know what a burrito is.

think about it.

happy mommy's day!

my son's mother's day song to me:

happy mother's day to you
you live in a zoo
you look like a monkey
and you smell like one too.

moments like that make it all worth it, ya know?

don't you hate when...

you leave your kids alone for 15 minutes so you can take a shower and the boy gets into the glue and spreads it all over the counter trying to make a book out of loose leaf notebook paper AND the girl pulls down all the laundry you meticulously folded so she can get to her favorite cinderelly (2 year old speak for "pretty dress")?

yeah, i hate that too.

yeah, yeah. i know.

ok, so i reviewed my previous posts and i've realized what most of you have already figured out. i am a bonafide man hater. without really knowing it. well, i did kinda know it, but i guess i mean i don't really want to come off that way. i like men. hell, i love men! i'd just like to find a good one. and the hopeless romantic in me believes that there's one out there for me. but then i also tend to be a pessimist, and that's when i come off as a man hater. plus, it's not really funny to hear about how i still hold out hope for that someone to come into my life (well, maybe it is kinda funny in a sadistic, watching a train crash, way).

also, i realize that it may come off that i am content in my loser-dom when, in fact, i am not! I am working hard to find a job and change my current situation. i have a wonderful support system of friends and family. poking fun at myself is my way of pushing myself to get going and make some changes. i really am not the kind of person to sit back and let life happen to me. that's part of the reason that i'm in the situation i'm in now. i left a good job, a home i owned and great friends (i miss you guys!) to try and make a better and more stable life for my kids and i. i know, seems silly to leave stability to gain instability, but there's lots of background and it really does make sense when you know it all.

so i just wanted to clear up that 1) i am not a man hater and 2) i really am not a lazy ass loser.

thanks for listening. now i'll get back to my usual inane drivel about how horrible my life is.

the african experience

i got a match with ted on match.com. seemed nice enough. (are we noticing a pattern here?) so i give the go ahead for him to IM me. we talk once or twice and kinda lose interest. he lives kinda close, in tucson. he's a business analyst by day, political hip hop artist by night. this is too good for me to make up, people. he just likes to educate the masses. if he gets paid, that's just a bonus.

like i said, we talk a couple of times and i'm just not feelin' him, so i let it die out. last week i got an IM from him saying "we seem to keep missing each other" and i thought to myself "really? i thought i was avoiding you rather well". and since i'm a little too nice, i get sucked into conversation. here is an exerpt:

ted : well i was thinking i could introduce you to the african race if you have not already been-lol (first bad sign - the lol!)

ted : sound like a good idea

issheinacoma : hey wait! i never agreed.

ted : i didnt say you agreed

ted : hahahah (almost as bad as lol)

ted : i asked if it was a good idea to you

ted : thats all

ted : ahahahahahah (and again!)

issheinacoma : there wasn't a question mark so i thought it was a statement

issheinacoma : gotta get that punctuaion in there (we all know what a stickler i am about grammar)

ted : yes teacher

ted : !

ted : you too innocent to experience Africa?

issheinacoma : as long as "experiencing Africa" means dinner and a movie, than nope.

ted : that would be experiencing hollywood

issheinacoma : and experiencing Africa would be...?

ted : me

ted : some of the finest genes on earth

ted : lol

ok, so it wasn't exactly over the top porn or anything, but a little pushy and presumptuous considering we've barely spoken and i've given no hints that i like him! are all internet boys like this. some loud little voice in my head is shouting "YES! give up before it's too late!" but it's just too funny to stop. i gotta keep seeing what's out there... maybe it is too late for me. but not for you all. go! save yourselves! meet people the old fashioned way. in a bar... drunk... saying something like:

"did it hurt?"

"did what hurt?"

"when you fell from heaven"

now that's the way to do it.

sad state of affairs

i'm addicted to eBay. especially with all the funny and outrageous things people put up for sale. it also seems to be a good place to check on the overall state of society. i mean, it's kinda sad when this guy (who has a real problem and people could do so much to help him) is recieved only $200 - BUT - the auction to win a date with Carmen Electra is well over $400,000.

oh well. nothing i can do. see, i'm one of those people who likes to complain about everything, but not actually do anything about it. so, i'll just sit here and complain to my imaginary friends, then feel sorry for myself about being a loser. yipee.

there is someone who does want to do something about it. she has a separate auction just for donations. i think it's a worthy cause. give if you can.

moving home

there are lots of issues with moving home. moving in with your parents (temporarily!), finding work, confronting your past... last night while talking to an old friend i was reminded why i can never ever go into the k-mart here. the story goes like this:

i dated a guy for a couple years when i was younger. he was a selfish bastard so i broke up with him. i know it took me awhile, but such is my life. we've already established my tendency to attract losers (present company excluded). he thought the break up was just a phase and that i'd be back. he continued to hold onto hope so i had to take drastic measures. the idea came to me in a drunken stupor - have a friend call him pretending to be an ex-girlfriend and tell him she had herpes and she wanted to let him know so he could get himself checked out. so, the plan went down and i suppressed the giggles till the call was finished. within 5 minutes he called me back, telling me the story and wanting to know exactly what this "herpes" thing was. so i schooled him in the knowledge of Sexually Transmitted Diseases and told him he should have himself checked out. two days pass and he calls to let me know he went to the local clinic and the bastards told him that if he had not displayed symptoms by now he was not infected. damn them straight to hell for foiling my plans. time passed and i started boasting to friends... mutual friends... about what i had pulled. this mutual friend thought it best to tell the ex what i had done to set his mind at ease. damn him too. the ensuing confrontation was the last communication i had with him. apparently he still loved me and this was it for him. i guess the fact that i broke up with him 5 months before was not good enough.

so now you all know why i cannot enter the k-mart (he's probably still there in the shoe department). why would i go there anyway when wal-mart has the lowest prices? always.

that jaded single friend

i am quickly becoming, if not already, that girl. you know the one. when you see a romantic comedy with this girl all she can talk about is how stupid it is, how people don't actually fall in love, how men are all assholes as she gobbles down her extra large popcorn and washes it down with self pity. *sigh* really didn't take long for me to fall into that routine.

HELP! i don't want to be that girl! i want to be the cool, confident friend who is on her own and loving it. she can say "romance, schmomance. that stuff is for the birds." don't get me wrong, i'm pretty confident in myself and my aloneness. i just miss companionship. more to the point - I MISS SEX! this solo stuff can only tide a girl over for so long, you know what i'm saying? no matter how good your toys and imagination are, they're just no substitute for the real thing.

yeah, oh well. time for some more tequila mixed with a nice dose of buck-up-li'l-camper. then a mental picture of josh lucas and a vibrator to keep me company. oh, maybe i shouldn't have gotten that personal. i mean, cozy up with a warm cup of tea and a good book... yeah... that's the ticket.