Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
the kinky city councilman
i have been told that i need to post about someone my best friend doesn't already know about. so here's one for ya:
fred lived in wisconsin. he was the first ever match i got to open communication with on eHarmony. (the rules of eHarmony are convoluted and i'm not gonna get into them here. just know that it takes awhile to get to open communication.) fred was a city councilman for the town he lived in and was only 29 years old. pretty cool for a younger guy to have run for office and won, huh? yeah, not really. he was a bouncer as his night job. hmm. seems odd.
so, we try to connect thru im'ing. usually end up missing each other. finally we get a chance to talk, but only for a few minutes. didn't really find anything out about each other in that time, so, whatever. we'll try again. well, we never really have a chance to connect and i'm thinking "maybe if we set a time in advance, we can actually talk". so i run the idea past him and all i get is "ok". no "what time?", no "i'm available at this time", no nothing. so, i figure, what the hell is this? i'm done. so i close the match on eHarmony at a time when he was supposedly not online. not on purpose, but it's important to the story. within 2 minutes of closing the match, i get an im from him asking why i closed the match. wtf? we never connected, he never even seemed interested, i don't wanna waste my time. i say all that to him, "nicely", and he doesn't say anything back. par for the course. so, i remove him from my friend's list and move on. don't even give it a second thought. until like 5 months later. i'm talking to my sister online and we both have webcams so we have them turned on. all of a sudden i get a request to view webcam from fred... huh? what's that all about? is he hoping that i'm some porn star who whores herself online on the weekends? yeah, needless to say he got a big fat decline and block.
why do i get all the freaks?
fred lived in wisconsin. he was the first ever match i got to open communication with on eHarmony. (the rules of eHarmony are convoluted and i'm not gonna get into them here. just know that it takes awhile to get to open communication.) fred was a city councilman for the town he lived in and was only 29 years old. pretty cool for a younger guy to have run for office and won, huh? yeah, not really. he was a bouncer as his night job. hmm. seems odd.
so, we try to connect thru im'ing. usually end up missing each other. finally we get a chance to talk, but only for a few minutes. didn't really find anything out about each other in that time, so, whatever. we'll try again. well, we never really have a chance to connect and i'm thinking "maybe if we set a time in advance, we can actually talk". so i run the idea past him and all i get is "ok". no "what time?", no "i'm available at this time", no nothing. so, i figure, what the hell is this? i'm done. so i close the match on eHarmony at a time when he was supposedly not online. not on purpose, but it's important to the story. within 2 minutes of closing the match, i get an im from him asking why i closed the match. wtf? we never connected, he never even seemed interested, i don't wanna waste my time. i say all that to him, "nicely", and he doesn't say anything back. par for the course. so, i remove him from my friend's list and move on. don't even give it a second thought. until like 5 months later. i'm talking to my sister online and we both have webcams so we have them turned on. all of a sudden i get a request to view webcam from fred... huh? what's that all about? is he hoping that i'm some porn star who whores herself online on the weekends? yeah, needless to say he got a big fat decline and block.
why do i get all the freaks?
i knew this guy would come in handy later
so, remember don? yeah. he's great, isn't he? i talked to don yesterday and he's been having a tough time lately. (all together now - 1,2,3 - "aw, poor guy") see, when he began his divorce proceedings, he had to sell a bunch of his guns (he had like 16, now he's down to 7 and a grenade launcher, seriously) in order to pay for a lawyer. apparently that raises eyebrows in law enforcement, as he happens to work for a law enforcement type of agency. so the inspector general has started investigating him. as part of their investigation, they have interviewed some of his coworkers. now these coworkers had some concerns that they were anxious to share. seems they've overheard him discussing how to build a bomb and they think he may in fact be building them in his house as we speak.
my question to you all is, should i start dating him before or after the search and seizure?
my question to you all is, should i start dating him before or after the search and seizure?
Thursday, April 28, 2005
this has nothing to do with online dating, but...
i felt the need to write about it and it's my blog, so nyah!
we have already established that i am, in fact, a loser. further proof of this is that i and my two children live with my parents. IT'S TEMPORARY! my parents have two dogs - rocky, a cairn terrier, and benny, an airedale. super cute dogs and fun to play with, especially for the kids.
there are two things i don't like about these dogs: 1) they bark. wait, did i say bark? i meant start yelping and barking to the point of howling every time they see anything, whether it be the paperboy, a rabbit, or the tree rustle. they don't like movement of any kind. and 2) they like to escape from the house.
last week my two year old was a prime suspect in letting these dogs out. let it be known that no one saw this alleged crime, and she's so danged sweet and innocent, i'm almost positive it wasn't her. anyway, she opened the door, the dogs got out. the door wasn't discovered as being open until ~10:00 pm. then the hunt was on. my father, stepmom and myself all piled into our separate cars and went to chase them down. we were out until 12:30. no dogs. the looks i got that night should have left me paralyzed for fear of a bloody death in my sleep. i'm sorry! she likes door handles! anyway, 7:30 the next morning, someone in the neighborhood called and said they had found the escapees and detained them for the evening. yippee! we can live here another day! but i told you that story to tell you this story:
yesterday, the devious dogs fooled my stepmom into opening the front door and bolted when she did. (at least it wasn't my daughter!) once again, i had to help chase them down. luckily rocky has short legs and is fat so he gave up about two houses away. benny, on the other hand, is a quite agile 85 pound dog who will stop for nothing or no one. i hate that dog and this is why. he finally gets distracted by some dogs barking at him two blocks away from our house. i catch him by the collar and control my foot from kicking him. (i'm an animal lover, but i can only be pushed so far, people!) so, i'm leading him back to the awaiting jeep by his collar. we are on the street and he decides to try and run to the car and take me with him. unfortunately, he miscalculated how steady i was. i fell. on the pavement. what a picture of grace. BUT, i did retain hold of the collar so the little (i mean ginormous) f%&#r didn't get away again. and happily, my stepmom took care of the yelling at the dog so i didn't have to. not like he cares. he got a nice adventure and the opportunity to make me fall down.
i gotta get a job and my own place...
we have already established that i am, in fact, a loser. further proof of this is that i and my two children live with my parents. IT'S TEMPORARY! my parents have two dogs - rocky, a cairn terrier, and benny, an airedale. super cute dogs and fun to play with, especially for the kids.
there are two things i don't like about these dogs: 1) they bark. wait, did i say bark? i meant start yelping and barking to the point of howling every time they see anything, whether it be the paperboy, a rabbit, or the tree rustle. they don't like movement of any kind. and 2) they like to escape from the house.
last week my two year old was a prime suspect in letting these dogs out. let it be known that no one saw this alleged crime, and she's so danged sweet and innocent, i'm almost positive it wasn't her. anyway, she opened the door, the dogs got out. the door wasn't discovered as being open until ~10:00 pm. then the hunt was on. my father, stepmom and myself all piled into our separate cars and went to chase them down. we were out until 12:30. no dogs. the looks i got that night should have left me paralyzed for fear of a bloody death in my sleep. i'm sorry! she likes door handles! anyway, 7:30 the next morning, someone in the neighborhood called and said they had found the escapees and detained them for the evening. yippee! we can live here another day! but i told you that story to tell you this story:
yesterday, the devious dogs fooled my stepmom into opening the front door and bolted when she did. (at least it wasn't my daughter!) once again, i had to help chase them down. luckily rocky has short legs and is fat so he gave up about two houses away. benny, on the other hand, is a quite agile 85 pound dog who will stop for nothing or no one. i hate that dog and this is why. he finally gets distracted by some dogs barking at him two blocks away from our house. i catch him by the collar and control my foot from kicking him. (i'm an animal lover, but i can only be pushed so far, people!) so, i'm leading him back to the awaiting jeep by his collar. we are on the street and he decides to try and run to the car and take me with him. unfortunately, he miscalculated how steady i was. i fell. on the pavement. what a picture of grace. BUT, i did retain hold of the collar so the little (i mean ginormous) f%&#r didn't get away again. and happily, my stepmom took care of the yelling at the dog so i didn't have to. not like he cares. he got a nice adventure and the opportunity to make me fall down.
i gotta get a job and my own place...
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
more diversion
ok people, i've been smoking and drinking way too much lately. i directly attribute this to the amount of time i spend worrying about my life and i attribute that to the amount of old men responding to my ads on the matchmaking websites.
damn these old men! what would make you think that i would want to date you when you're twice my age? i'm sure you are a gentleman since you were alive when the main transportation was horse and buggy and women needed you to throw your cape over a puddle for them to walk across. and yes, age is just a number. the number of years you've been alive! and when that is almost two times my number, please don't bother. i'm not looking for a father figure. (thanks for that george michael)
what is it about me that attracts these men? do i seem like an "old soul"? or did AARP have a special subscription rate to true.com?
seriously, you just make yourself look like horny old men. peddle your wares elsewhere.
damn these old men! what would make you think that i would want to date you when you're twice my age? i'm sure you are a gentleman since you were alive when the main transportation was horse and buggy and women needed you to throw your cape over a puddle for them to walk across. and yes, age is just a number. the number of years you've been alive! and when that is almost two times my number, please don't bother. i'm not looking for a father figure. (thanks for that george michael)
what is it about me that attracts these men? do i seem like an "old soul"? or did AARP have a special subscription rate to true.com?
seriously, you just make yourself look like horny old men. peddle your wares elsewhere.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
brief diversion
i would like to get into the overall quality of profiles and matches i've experienced at the various sites. first of all, the vast majority of these boys need to go back to sophomore english and learn to spell. either that or learn to use spell check. maybe i'm completely off base and just a grammar nerd, but i personally think it reflects poorly on a person when they can't spell "bored" eg. "yesterday, i was bored but today i am not". you would not believe how many guys spell it "board" eg. "yesterday, i was board but today i am table". then there's the difference between "there", "their", and "they're" and closely followed by "your" and "you're". just a few examples of the crap i read. if i was your 10th grade english teacher, you all would have failed.
second of all, the content of all profiles is generally the same. most "just want a woman they can spoil" and love to "spend time outdoors". both of those phrases send me into dry heaves. if the first statement were actually true, someone would have snatched you up a long time ago, leaving you no reason to look for love on the internet. and if the second were true, there would be far fewer big screen tv sales, so spare me.
so i guess my ideal profile to read would go something like "i know how it looks that i'm using a dating service, but i don't really care. i like large women who are marginally attractive and have a good sense of humor. i don't always pick up after myself and occassionally drink too much. i think kids are fine as long as they're somone else's and i don't have to clean up after them. i love fast food and watching any kind of sports (yes, poker is a sport. it's on espn, isn't it?). don't try to change me. if my mother didn't succeed, neither will you. you will sometimes be not good enough for me and i will lie, so just accept it." i mean, at least that would be honest. i'd probably even want to talk to someone who wrote that. and try to change him and get really pissed when he lied to me. i'm a woman. it's what i do.
second of all, the content of all profiles is generally the same. most "just want a woman they can spoil" and love to "spend time outdoors". both of those phrases send me into dry heaves. if the first statement were actually true, someone would have snatched you up a long time ago, leaving you no reason to look for love on the internet. and if the second were true, there would be far fewer big screen tv sales, so spare me.
so i guess my ideal profile to read would go something like "i know how it looks that i'm using a dating service, but i don't really care. i like large women who are marginally attractive and have a good sense of humor. i don't always pick up after myself and occassionally drink too much. i think kids are fine as long as they're somone else's and i don't have to clean up after them. i love fast food and watching any kind of sports (yes, poker is a sport. it's on espn, isn't it?). don't try to change me. if my mother didn't succeed, neither will you. you will sometimes be not good enough for me and i will lie, so just accept it." i mean, at least that would be honest. i'd probably even want to talk to someone who wrote that. and try to change him and get really pissed when he lied to me. i'm a woman. it's what i do.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
guns and indiana jones
this one isn't necessarily next in the timeline, but it's too precious not to share. don contacted me through match.com. don lives very close to me, 20 minute drive away. seems innocent enough from his profile, divorced with a daughter, good job, owns his own house, nice sense of humor. so i talk to don online. turns out don is only "divorced in his heart", not in the eyes of the law. DUH! WTF! if you're not divorced, don't go trolling for someone else, ya freakin' idiot! and do you know what don would like to do? take me shooting. oh golly, sign me up. and can you also believe that don thinks that "indiana jones and the temple of doom" was actually the best in the series? are you serious? everyone knows that if one of them can go, it's that one. geez.
BUT, i'm going to keep talking to don because there's just too much good material there to let this one go. stay tuned for don updates.
BUT, i'm going to keep talking to don because there's just too much good material there to let this one go. stay tuned for don updates.
Friday, April 22, 2005
e-mail from larry received today
just when you think it's over... i haven't changed anything in the e-mail. this is how he actually writes. and luckily, it doesn't really do anything for me anymore. anyway, enjoy! it's mighty funny.
hi how are you and your kids? I know I said I would not bother you anymore but oh well I just had to write you. I am not sure you will even read this but anyways I hope you are doing good and that you and your kids are safe. I am not doing so good well you broke my heart which I always knew you were going to do but you know what it does not matter the truth is I want to thank you for letting me love you and getting to know you as a person you have so many wonderful qualities getting over you is not easy I can not forget about you trust me I tried I close my eyes I see your face I hear your voice its like your always there with me I think what might have been I guess maybe life has taught me another a lesson I am not sure what it is but hey maybe someday I will figure it out. You know whats really sad is I really did believe you loved me I guess I was wrong all I know is that I loved you very much with all my heart and soul I keep thinking back at how i trotaly screwed things up I never should have lied to you from the beganing but I did and maybe you never really totaly forgave me for that or was able to trust me I wish I could find someway for you to look inside your heart to forgive me I guess asking that was asking to much well for what I did to screw things up for us I am truly sorry all I ever wanted was for you to love me because I fell in love with you so quickly I was scared and didn't know how to handle things but anyways it doesn't matter now its just really sad because I totaly felt we here perfect in so many ways for each other I just felt really connected to you like soul mates or maybe thats just the way I felt and you never felt that way anyways I miss you very much and I guess waht I am trying to say is you are always on my mind in my heart and in my soul and no one can ever take from me the things we shared together the closeness I felt for you and the way you made me feel loved , wanted and needed those are things that I never thought I could again thank you for that I love you now and always forever and ever.there is a song I think its by Celine Dion when I hear it I think of you it goes " you were my strenght when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak, you were my eyes when I couldn't see, you saw the best there was in me, " I know its dumb but that song is what describes best the way you made me feel I will never ever forget you. Thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you.
there are so many things wrong with that e-mail, the least of those being the grammar, spelling and lack of punctuation. anyway, thanks larry for the new material. now go to hell.
hi how are you and your kids? I know I said I would not bother you anymore but oh well I just had to write you. I am not sure you will even read this but anyways I hope you are doing good and that you and your kids are safe. I am not doing so good well you broke my heart which I always knew you were going to do but you know what it does not matter the truth is I want to thank you for letting me love you and getting to know you as a person you have so many wonderful qualities getting over you is not easy I can not forget about you trust me I tried I close my eyes I see your face I hear your voice its like your always there with me I think what might have been I guess maybe life has taught me another a lesson I am not sure what it is but hey maybe someday I will figure it out. You know whats really sad is I really did believe you loved me I guess I was wrong all I know is that I loved you very much with all my heart and soul I keep thinking back at how i trotaly screwed things up I never should have lied to you from the beganing but I did and maybe you never really totaly forgave me for that or was able to trust me I wish I could find someway for you to look inside your heart to forgive me I guess asking that was asking to much well for what I did to screw things up for us I am truly sorry all I ever wanted was for you to love me because I fell in love with you so quickly I was scared and didn't know how to handle things but anyways it doesn't matter now its just really sad because I totaly felt we here perfect in so many ways for each other I just felt really connected to you like soul mates or maybe thats just the way I felt and you never felt that way anyways I miss you very much and I guess waht I am trying to say is you are always on my mind in my heart and in my soul and no one can ever take from me the things we shared together the closeness I felt for you and the way you made me feel loved , wanted and needed those are things that I never thought I could again thank you for that I love you now and always forever and ever.there is a song I think its by Celine Dion when I hear it I think of you it goes " you were my strenght when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak, you were my eyes when I couldn't see, you saw the best there was in me, " I know its dumb but that song is what describes best the way you made me feel I will never ever forget you. Thank you for allowing me to fall in love with you.
there are so many things wrong with that e-mail, the least of those being the grammar, spelling and lack of punctuation. anyway, thanks larry for the new material. now go to hell.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
the attack
so, after shawn comes the jack attack. jack lives in phoenix, so i'm thinking, if he's cool, there's an actual possibility of meeting. let me tell you about jack. jack is looking for someone "very attractive by society's standards" which is all fine and dandy if a) you are very attractive and b) you find shallow people attractive. i am neither - BUT - i continue to talk to him. i'm just a glutton for punishment, what can i say?
jack wants to get to the root of what i'm all about, you know, the real me. so he asks the most thought provoking question i've ever heard. "what's your favorite brand of clothing?" wow, that's profound. gee jack, i don't know. does wal-mart have a brand name?
jack asks me to call him sometime and since i have free long distance i figure, what the hell? i'm not due to wax my bikini line for awhile. where else am i going to get my torture? so i call at the agreed upon time. you know, when i tell someone to call me at a certain time, i try to be available and not engaged in any other activities. just seems like good manners. jack doesn't believe in good manners. when jack answered the phone the first thing i heard was girls giggling in the background. hm.
"hey jack, this is tina. you said to call?"
"oh yeah, tina. can i call you back in 20 minutes?"
-girls giggling in background-
"yeah, don't bother." -click-
20 minutes? is that all the time you're going to need for this other girl? yeah, jack's not worth my time. especially because he only used one spelling for "there," "their," and "they're" and that was "their." maybe i need to put him in touch with shawn so he can get a ride to school. i can deal with shallowness and bad manners, but bad grammar? get to steppin'.
jack wants to get to the root of what i'm all about, you know, the real me. so he asks the most thought provoking question i've ever heard. "what's your favorite brand of clothing?" wow, that's profound. gee jack, i don't know. does wal-mart have a brand name?
jack asks me to call him sometime and since i have free long distance i figure, what the hell? i'm not due to wax my bikini line for awhile. where else am i going to get my torture? so i call at the agreed upon time. you know, when i tell someone to call me at a certain time, i try to be available and not engaged in any other activities. just seems like good manners. jack doesn't believe in good manners. when jack answered the phone the first thing i heard was girls giggling in the background. hm.
"hey jack, this is tina. you said to call?"
"oh yeah, tina. can i call you back in 20 minutes?"
-girls giggling in background-
"yeah, don't bother." -click-
20 minutes? is that all the time you're going to need for this other girl? yeah, jack's not worth my time. especially because he only used one spelling for "there," "their," and "they're" and that was "their." maybe i need to put him in touch with shawn so he can get a ride to school. i can deal with shallowness and bad manners, but bad grammar? get to steppin'.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
LOL
let it be known from this point forward that i hate random LOL's. i mean, are you really laughing out loud as you tell me that you've just eaten dinner? was it an extra special hilarious dinner with naked clowns and adam sandler? i seriously doubt it. do us all a favor and tone it down. please.
my next disaster comes in the form of someone we'll call "shawn". shawn is an LOL'er. you know what shawn does for a living? he's a substitute short bus driver. that's almost as bad as having to ride the short bus himself. maybe that's why he LOL's so much...
anyway, shawn wants to be in a relationship really bad (said in the whiniest voice imaginable. think 5 year old who wants a popsicle). he's 25 and has been ready to settle down since high school. first person who says "needy" wins my respect.
ok, one would think this alone would be enough to cut my losses and walk away. but, no. i am compelled to continue talking with this need ridden 25 year old. i told him my favorite movie is "the princess bride". he said he didn't like the movie because he doesn't like princesses... what?!? has he seen the movie? apparently not, because i wouldn't really classify it as a "princess movie" with the likes of "the princess diaries" or "cinderella". and yet i must still talk to him...
so, one day, shawn and i are chatting online. i ask what he did that weekend, making polite conversation. he told me that he reffed a wrestling match. i see the perfect opportunity to get a real LOL out of this guy. i ask him "were there any piledrivers?" hehehe, right? boy did he set me straight. apparently it wasn't "that kind of wrestling". oh. right. because i thought in peewee wrestling they allowed the likes of figure fours and sleeper holds. thank you shawn for fixing me up.
at this point i officially ended communication with shawn because neediness is acceptable, but lack of sense of humor? hit the road.
my next disaster comes in the form of someone we'll call "shawn". shawn is an LOL'er. you know what shawn does for a living? he's a substitute short bus driver. that's almost as bad as having to ride the short bus himself. maybe that's why he LOL's so much...
anyway, shawn wants to be in a relationship really bad (said in the whiniest voice imaginable. think 5 year old who wants a popsicle). he's 25 and has been ready to settle down since high school. first person who says "needy" wins my respect.
ok, one would think this alone would be enough to cut my losses and walk away. but, no. i am compelled to continue talking with this need ridden 25 year old. i told him my favorite movie is "the princess bride". he said he didn't like the movie because he doesn't like princesses... what?!? has he seen the movie? apparently not, because i wouldn't really classify it as a "princess movie" with the likes of "the princess diaries" or "cinderella". and yet i must still talk to him...
so, one day, shawn and i are chatting online. i ask what he did that weekend, making polite conversation. he told me that he reffed a wrestling match. i see the perfect opportunity to get a real LOL out of this guy. i ask him "were there any piledrivers?" hehehe, right? boy did he set me straight. apparently it wasn't "that kind of wrestling". oh. right. because i thought in peewee wrestling they allowed the likes of figure fours and sleeper holds. thank you shawn for fixing me up.
at this point i officially ended communication with shawn because neediness is acceptable, but lack of sense of humor? hit the road.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
mid life crisis
my first experience with online dating should have, in fact, been my last. but i was inexplicably drawn back, time after time. my first experience goes as follows:
if i was going to pay money for an online dating service, i was going with "the best" - eHarmony. how did i figger them to be the best? well the price of course! also, they use science! i mean hell people! science! anyway, so i sign up, pay my money and start getting matches. i got matches by the hundreds. apparently, my inner qualities are shared by half of the upper midwest. so, i sift through most of them, closing all matches that say anything about "jesus" or "god". don't ask me why because that brings up a whole other set of issues and we are currently discussing online dating. anywho, i start communicating with a match who we'll call larry. larry was the last of the good guys. he was 34, divorced for 3 years, had a son with his ex-wife who died from a childhood accident. talk about tugging the heart strings. his ex-wife cheated on him with his best friend, of course. what a sad tale of woe. so larry and i talk for a couple of months through e-mails and phone calls. i'm thinking "hey, i really like this guy, maybe even love him". we get to the point where we think it's time to meet. arrangements are made, nerves are put on edge, and we're all in a general dither. a week before the agreed on meet time i see him online and start a conversation. the person on the other end says "this is not larry, this is his daughter, ann". i have heard of ann before, but she has always been a niece. so i tell her "you're not his daughter, you are in fact his niece" and she tells me "no, i'm his daughter". we have a short conversation and i decide to do some internet super sleuthing. through my not so extensive research, i am able to view larry's divorce decree on his county's records website. turns out larry was less than truthful (shocker, i know). when larry divorced only 18 months previous he, in fact, had 3 living children. perhaps they just slipped his mind... also, he was actually 44 not 34, his birthdate being in 1960, not 70. when confronted with this new information, larry's response was that the birthdate was a typo (yeah, uh-huh. i may be dumb but i'm not stupid!) and the kids... well the kids he was trying to protect. see, he didn't know what kind of person i was. you know what kind of person i am? the kind that doesn't like to be lied to! you know the kind, normal people. obviously this person was not one of us. i mean, it's really sweet that you were going through a midlife crisis and all, but why don't you do like the rest of them? go buy yourself a sports car and get a toupee. and please don't feed me this bullshit about wanting to protect your kids. i have two kids whom you knew all about. whom you pressured me to want to meet. and do you know how many times i heard the phrase "well, i can do for my nieces and nephews because i don't have kids". it had to be in the hundreds. what a load of shit. these were not the only lies i had been told, but they are too numerous to get into here. just let me say that "larry, i hope you die of dysentery"
after a couple months recuperating from this disaster, i decided to try my hand at the online matchmaking again. more fun stories to follow.
if i was going to pay money for an online dating service, i was going with "the best" - eHarmony. how did i figger them to be the best? well the price of course! also, they use science! i mean hell people! science! anyway, so i sign up, pay my money and start getting matches. i got matches by the hundreds. apparently, my inner qualities are shared by half of the upper midwest. so, i sift through most of them, closing all matches that say anything about "jesus" or "god". don't ask me why because that brings up a whole other set of issues and we are currently discussing online dating. anywho, i start communicating with a match who we'll call larry. larry was the last of the good guys. he was 34, divorced for 3 years, had a son with his ex-wife who died from a childhood accident. talk about tugging the heart strings. his ex-wife cheated on him with his best friend, of course. what a sad tale of woe. so larry and i talk for a couple of months through e-mails and phone calls. i'm thinking "hey, i really like this guy, maybe even love him". we get to the point where we think it's time to meet. arrangements are made, nerves are put on edge, and we're all in a general dither. a week before the agreed on meet time i see him online and start a conversation. the person on the other end says "this is not larry, this is his daughter, ann". i have heard of ann before, but she has always been a niece. so i tell her "you're not his daughter, you are in fact his niece" and she tells me "no, i'm his daughter". we have a short conversation and i decide to do some internet super sleuthing. through my not so extensive research, i am able to view larry's divorce decree on his county's records website. turns out larry was less than truthful (shocker, i know). when larry divorced only 18 months previous he, in fact, had 3 living children. perhaps they just slipped his mind... also, he was actually 44 not 34, his birthdate being in 1960, not 70. when confronted with this new information, larry's response was that the birthdate was a typo (yeah, uh-huh. i may be dumb but i'm not stupid!) and the kids... well the kids he was trying to protect. see, he didn't know what kind of person i was. you know what kind of person i am? the kind that doesn't like to be lied to! you know the kind, normal people. obviously this person was not one of us. i mean, it's really sweet that you were going through a midlife crisis and all, but why don't you do like the rest of them? go buy yourself a sports car and get a toupee. and please don't feed me this bullshit about wanting to protect your kids. i have two kids whom you knew all about. whom you pressured me to want to meet. and do you know how many times i heard the phrase "well, i can do for my nieces and nephews because i don't have kids". it had to be in the hundreds. what a load of shit. these were not the only lies i had been told, but they are too numerous to get into here. just let me say that "larry, i hope you die of dysentery"
after a couple months recuperating from this disaster, i decided to try my hand at the online matchmaking again. more fun stories to follow.
This is me - loser extraordinaire
so i figger i'm no good at regular dating - i.e. actually meeting people face to face - owing to my extremely unimportant looks and lard ass. so one day i says to myself, i says "self, why not try out this online dating thing. it can't be all that bad" and unfortunately i listened. what you will find on this page is my general rantings about the quality of people i find online and the stupidity with which i tend to pursue these losers. also, how looks really matter online too. and no matter what the other person sitting their ass behind a computer looks like, they want you to look better. gag.
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